I had just come to the end of a very profound time of my life….and was waiting for a door to open to show me where to go.
Since coming back from India, I had felt the sands of stability, security and external safety shift endlessly from underneath me. Whenever I had tried to create, confirm or control something, life would serve me up an evasive response. Whether that was a job to earn a living, the love of a man or teaching my beloved Yoga – all came to naught. And so I wandered like a nomad with my belongings in the back of my car, driving from place to place trying to find ‘my’ place.
During this time I was undertaking the Tara Bija Mantra, 1 Million times in 100 days– which is a very powerful Sadhana and which I am only coming to feel its immensity now that it has finished, which incidentally coincided with the completion of my next Yogic Studies module which focused on the subtle and powerful practices and philosophies of the diverse and ancient system.
As it all came to a head, there were tears about a chapter coming to an end and a sense of mild anxiety about ‘what next’. I had no home, vague plans and nothing concrete even given my best efforts at construction! I knew the big MASTER Plan but the intermediate steps were illusive and confusing. The course finished and I gave myself a day to rest where I could decompress and decided to get a head start about a future plan. This meant that I had to drive about 15 minutes to where internet connection is possible and check to see if there were any open doors! Nada, Zip, Neit, Nein – Not a single shred of opportunity.
As I felt a little deflated about my efforts, I turned to the all-pervading grace which had loved, nurtured, healed and revealed itself to me over the last few weeks and asked – what do I do? Where am I to go? QLD, NSW, VIC – where is there a job and ease of lifestyle so that I can study, invest in me and my projects? I called out to the heavens – “Please show me where to go and what to do? I am lost. Open a door and I will walk through – without preference or question”. Within minutes I got the answer…
As I was swerving around on the slippery wet road in my car that had lost traction and control, which led to it spiralling unendingly toward a guard rail then coming to halt in a ditch, I was calm. Everything slowed and I was saying to myself with an intense knowing that ‘It’s OK’….I knew the car may not be but I knew deep down that I would be. And so as everything came to still and there were little pains waking within my body, I started the car and tried to drive out of the ditch. I was stuck. I got out, walked around the car and saw what damage had been done…. Punctured oil tank, smashed in front side and rear side, twisted back wheel and a total write off!
Not surprisingly, the car behind me was going to the ashram and so I jumped out of mine, into theirs and off we go back to the ashram and I start feeling and thinking about what had just happened and then I just started laughing at how truth came crashing into my life.
I now have NOTHING! No money, no assets, no income and no status and yet I know where I have to be. My understanding is that cars represent how you move in the world and mine just brought me to a screeching holt. I was trying to make plans, to create and yet I physically can’t go anywhere and it seems that I am to stay here within the ashram. I had these thoughts before but reasoned myself out of them and yet here I am, right where I need to be. I arrive back to the ashram to find that there is an afternoon meeting about the Royal Commission and how we are going to be dealing with Sexual Abuse within our spiritual culture and found the clarity of purpose sublime.
I am but an instrument and while I didn’t listen to the subtle queues and had to be ‘taken out’ to follow the right road – I am now on it. I am a little tender physically, empty of external resources, humbled by realising that I was not driving well and unsure of how my ‘master plan’ will go now that I am here, yet I know I am right where I need to be.
For how long? I don’t know! But I guess, once another door opens or opportunity comes crashing into my world, I will take that and keep moving, in faith, towards myself x