Mine the Gap

mind the gap

There has been so many landscapes that I have encountered recently both internally and externally and the theme of ‘Mind the Gap’ which you hear on the tube in London to ‘be careful’ of the space between objects seems to be echoing in my head.  However only recently, this has changed to ‘Mine the Gap’ as an indicator that the gap between things may not be a place to fear but could actually be where wisdom, treasures and growth lay.

It started with a practice of TarpanVidya (which means ancestral knowledge) and I was contemplating the qualities possessed by my parents, their parents etc and found that indeed this territory is vast, divergent and I am composed of much of these polarities along with my own inherent qualities.  Then a recent discussion about Yoga and how ultimately it is union or bringing together/narrowing between the poles of nature – both the outer and inner qualities – again this replicated and confirmed the first impulse.

Due to my intensity and diversity (OR the 2 poles in which the space between, is what I call my life) I guess this is why Psychologists and Psychiatrists have been wanting to label me with BI (2) Polar.  I scare myself sometimes and particularly worry those loved ones around me who seem to want me to narrow or fall into a shorter bandwidth and so I sought some more mental treatment – but this time from a Dr who is also a Yogi and so he is less inclined to label some of the more unusual experiences I have encountered and challenges I face with being flawed but merely the opportunity to ‘mine the gap’.

Last week someone said to me that they felt that at times I was ‘super human’ and blew their minds with what I know but at other times I seem like a ‘half wit’ who doesn’t seem to get the most basic of things…..I told him we should go with ‘half wit’ as that seems to fit more easily on my nature!!!  I feel that God made me as I am and while I am an unusual creature, I am sure this was his intention and so I should just get to the bottom of how to explore me without harming others….unless!

Recently I have encountered a person who has created a ‘myth or legend’ around themselves which I am really intrigued by and it is so powerful that they are able to harness ambassadors to uphold their iconoclast status.  I am not saying that they are not special, gifted or different – it takes one to know one – but I am just saying the form of assertion they can inspire in others is quite impressive and also very scary particularly when threats are issued.   I am a nobody who is just trying to figure my stuff out – I have been labelled many things over the years some of which are true and some of which I dispute but never have I rallied troops to enforce my position.  So I was left in what to do with the gap?  Between the person I see, the legend/myth they perpetuate and also the feelings of their foot soldiers?  I am convinced that somewhere in there is the truth and a place of wisdom, growth and perhaps even treasures…for us all.

And much like all good things I am shown just how it is done.

Yesterday was the ‘final’ day for submissions at the Royal Commission and as I had a day off and was in town decided to attend the hearing… it was quite something!  I saw many arguments, pleas and attempts to evoke a certain outcome from the Commissioners’ findings but what I was most impressed by were the very things that others found distasteful, as it wasn’t deemed polite.

During these proceedings some parties have been very silent, and at times just provided a few statements or cross examinations but  yesterday a few of them spoke.  I found them to finally be stating the obvious – addressing the white elephant in the room that others had never named or highlighted so clearly.  This was done eloquently, unapologetically, powerfully, a little humorously and ultimately with a great sense of soberness.

And so I was instructed that at times a seemingly toothless tiger must bear its fangs and remind those around them of its inherent, inborn gifts and strengths which should not be wielded without consideration but not denied when appropriate either.

So in mining the gap between one version of truth and another, between myth and reality, between insecurities and inherent strengths, between division and reconciliation, between all polarities within ourselves and in the wider world around us, I have come to see that this is our work, this is our life and perhaps somewhere in there is indeed that single pure undivided true reality where union (Yoga) really exists.

 mine the gap

OM TAT SAT

Opportunity comes Crashing!

crash

 I had just come to the end of a very profound time of my life….and was waiting for a door to open to show me where to go.

Since coming back from India, I had felt the sands of stability, security and external safety shift endlessly from underneath me.  Whenever I had tried to create, confirm or control something, life would serve me up an evasive response.  Whether that was a job to earn a living, the love of a man or teaching my beloved Yoga – all came to naught.  And so I wandered like a nomad with my belongings in the back of my car, driving from place to place trying to find ‘my’ place.

During this time I was undertaking the Tara Bija Mantra, 1 Million times in 100 days– which is a very powerful Sadhana and which I am only coming to feel its immensity now that it has finished, which incidentally coincided with the completion of my next Yogic Studies module which focused on the subtle and powerful practices and philosophies of the diverse and ancient system.

As it all came to a head, there were tears about a chapter coming to an end and a sense of mild anxiety about ‘what next’.  I had no home, vague plans and nothing concrete even given my best efforts at construction!  I knew the big MASTER Plan but the intermediate steps were illusive and confusing.  The course finished and I gave myself a day to rest where I could decompress and decided to get a head start about a future plan.  This meant that I had to drive about 15 minutes to where internet connection is possible and check to see if there were any open doors!  Nada, Zip, Neit, Nein – Not a single shred of opportunity.

As I felt a little deflated about my efforts, I turned to the all-pervading grace which had loved, nurtured, healed and revealed itself to me over the last few weeks  and asked – what do I do?  Where am I to go?  QLD, NSW, VIC – where is there a job and ease of lifestyle so that I can study, invest in me and my projects?  I called out to the heavens – “Please show me where to go and what to do?  I am lost.  Open a door and I will walk through – without preference or question”.  Within minutes I got the answer…

As I was swerving around on the slippery wet road in my car that had lost traction and control, which led to it spiralling unendingly toward a guard rail then coming to halt in a ditch, I was calm.  Everything slowed and I was saying to myself with an intense knowing that ‘It’s OK’….I knew the car may not be but I knew deep down that I would be.  And so as everything came to still and there were little pains waking within my body, I started the car and tried to drive out of the ditch.  I was stuck.  I got out, walked around the car and saw what damage had been done…. Punctured oil tank, smashed in front side and rear side, twisted back wheel and a total write off!

Not surprisingly, the car behind me was going to the ashram and so I jumped out of mine, into theirs and off we go back to the ashram and I start feeling and thinking about what had just happened and then I just started laughing at how truth came crashing into my life.

I now have NOTHING!  No money, no assets, no income and no status and yet I know where I have to be.  My understanding is that cars represent how you move in the world and mine just brought me to a screeching holt.  I was trying to make plans,  to create and yet I physically can’t go anywhere and it seems that I am to stay here within the ashram.  I had these thoughts before but reasoned myself out of them and yet here I am, right where I need to be.  I arrive back to the ashram to find that there is an afternoon meeting about the Royal Commission and how we are going to be dealing with Sexual Abuse within our spiritual culture and found the clarity of purpose sublime.

Om Pond

I am but an instrument and while I didn’t listen to the subtle queues and had to be ‘taken out’ to follow the right road – I am now on it.  I am a little tender physically, empty of external resources, humbled by realising that I was not driving well and unsure of how my ‘master plan’ will go now that I am here, yet I know I am right where I need to be.

For how long?  I don’t know!  But I guess, once another door opens or opportunity comes crashing into my world, I will take that and keep moving, in faith, towards myself x

The Art of Living

Whether it is the infinitely delicate artistry of mother nature creating the world for us to inhabit or architects creating monumental structures to house our everyday lives or graphic designers selling us products we often don’t particularly need or even the ‘artists’ who inspire and evoke a sense of the full cycle of our awareness back to its origins – we are surrounded by art, artists and artistry.

When I look out at the ashram and the last few weeks I consider all the ‘art’ I have encountered.  The sometimes contradictory expressions of beauty that feed into that continuum of awareness to create this complete surreal universe of life.

When I think about Art in its most traditional sense – a creation of intention from an Artist’s consciousness (often as a result of surges from the subconscious or unconscious if the art is any good!), I am aware of its vast diversity of Styles, Forms and Mediums.  Some use clay, rope, paint, bronze, canvas, light, digital, sound, glass, paper, tattoo, bodies, cloth, sand, ice and flowers along with many more.

These are then channelled into complex genres which aim to contain and categorise the expression, be that Avante Garde, Classical, NeoClassicism, Modernist, Surrealist, Impressionist, Cubist, Shamanic, Traditional, Indigenous, Dance, Music, Sculpture, Painting, Body Art, Multi Media, Tapestry and the list goes on & on so that we can access our preferences.

I wonder if by having this human nature which inherently likes, dislikes, craves, rejects and prefers or detests we really limit our capacity to see the value in each and every moment, experience and creation.  We often choose to surround ourselves by ‘art’ we love, like or that inspires us but what about art that challenges, confronts, repulses, is grotesque, or offends our sensibilities.  Can we allow ourselves to be deeply moved regardless of whether it is pleasant or unpleasant in an attempt to embrace the true art of living.

Art is an attempt for humans to express our humanity in all its complexity.

Art is also the gift of life, with all its glorious creations which rise, remain and then decay in an unending expression of divinity.

Some art is pure and simple, some very complex and technically intricate.  Some we will marvel at, be inspired by or will awaken contemplation within us, while some more will repel, distress or confront us but each has a place in the gallery of humanity.    The art doesn’t need to change; we just need to learn how to appreciate it!

I invite you to take a look around your life and see your art – What has been created? What you are creating? And can you embrace deeply, truly and radically the understanding you are indeed an artist creating your life – every moment of every day – regardless of what medium you wield.

Can you look upon all things with a sense of wonder, interest and gratitude for the privilege to walk through the gallery of your sacred, unique and precious life?  Oh what beauty, even in the ugliness x

I don’t do CASUAL

casual_sex

Recently I had a conversation with a man who was true, honest and passionate in his biology and desired to ‘FUCK THE WORLD’.  He unashamedly wanted to experience all the female fare on offer.  We discussed if this was an attempt for him to intimately feel connection and that he was trying to exhaust his feeling of separation and reach a state of union albeit grossly.  I explained that if this was the driver, it could be experienced and actually exponentially deepened by more subtle practices without engaging the gross and often dysfunctional behaviours people hold around Sex and Relationships.

This led me to think of one of my great loves whom I initially assumed was just after me for sex, however after I threw him into an orgy and saw him become deeply traumatised, I realised that he was one of those unicorns – the monogamous male!  I had never met one of them before.   And so after I ‘saw’ him, I quit sex work immediately to give us a real chance at working.  It was great for many years and then slowly he opened to the idea of playing (firstly with women…surprise, surprise) and eventually he agreed to let me play with boys too.  However this didn’t end well as when he was given the freedom to play, his primal animal biology needed more, more, more and that sensitive soul forgot the kindness, respect and honesty he had always shown me which is why I fell in love with.  It didn’t last long after that.

And finally I have a friend who has been a ‘lad’ for many years and is blossoming into quite the soulful creature and when he shares a profound contemplation on Facebook, his female friends jump in with support, encouragement and connection while his male friends jump in with ‘I want to have your babies’, or ‘Dude, Marry Me’….?

This is what I have come to see of the male side of sex and relating? 

And if so, how is the woman and her biology placed within our society?

More importantly….How am I and Where do I fit?

I have a voracious appetite with sex.  I have been a sex worker – owned my sexuality ‘like a boss’ (as the boys would say) which is uncommon for a woman and as a result I have a bit of a reputation.

I have had men want to have sex with me as though I am a ride at an amusement park – they see that I am unique and they want to ‘taste’ this exotic fare.

Some are honest and provide me with a disclaimer, saying that they are happy being single and just want to play without too much attachment.  However they also say that they need ‘intimacy’ and want to feel connected and love through the exchange and not just have some purely physical encounter.  While still others say all the lines that women true to their biology want to hear and then after they have explored and conquered their prey through manipulation, deception and selfishness, they cast her aside, for the next one in the queue.   They are the shadow hunters.

So what I take and make from this is that these men are being true to their biology in wanting to have sex on their terms which is to have me throw myself fully into the experience with them,  give them all of me – emotions, body, mind and soul but then not connect or emotionally bond with them.  As they are just playing, not interested in me this way or can’t commit!

They want to feel loved by me but not actually have me love them???  WTF!!!

Where is the respect for my biology, heart, mind or soul – I AM A PERSON!!! 

I am not only exploring my capacity in terms of what this playground of a body has to offer – not just for others pleasure but more importantly to experience MY GOD GIVEN SELF.  I am a woman and yes I have a history which means I have certain ‘skills’ however this outwardly wild, experienced, open and ‘anything goes’ kind of persona is just that…a persona.

My insides are tender, loving, and adore diving deeply into another.  I long and yearn for a single person to explore wholly, unreservedly, profoundly and god forbid – spiritually, while also building a life with.  Yet due to my past it seems impossible.  I seem to not be considered as ‘one of those girls’ given my past outer life, even though my inner world is pure, loving and typical of biology.

I want a person to share my life with, to share my joys, sorrows, body, skills, love and sex with…I will not apologise for this and wonder why we women when we are true to biology are made fun of, ridiculed or admonished when men who are true to theirs are applauded, accepted and awarded.

LOVE

The problem is that I take sexual union VERY seriously.  I had been celibate for a long time not to be conquered but because I have higher practices, hopes and desires to explore these landscapes with someone that I love, want to be with and believe in.  Yet because of my past, people are more convinced of my flippancy and willingness to be casual even with everything I say.

I don’t have casual ANYTHING least of all casual sex.

 My life is spiritual, serious, disciplined and committed – why would Sex be any different. 

Another layer to this is that I am a survivor of various sexual assaults and as a result it is very easy for me to feel used, even after a consensual experience if I feel that people are not there for me in an honest, caring and loving way.  I need love, care and genuine interest in a lasting bond to feel secure in sex and not have the emotional fall out that others without my experience, tend not to feel.

I love sex, I can worship a man but I can’t do casual, lightweight or within a limited context.  When I am used for another’s pleasures or experimentation, it opens up old wounds for me, which is why I haven’t had sex for so long.  I didn’t know I wanted an all-in kind of LOVE but when I knew, was waiting to share it with someone I trusted – and I chose the wrong person!  I GOT PLAYED)

MEN – please leave me alone unless you are interested in ME in a deep sincere and abiding sense. Not to conquer, take a turn, learn something new from or play with.

I do believe in good men and hope that there are some left who are honest, truthful and sincere, as I am.  I am NOT a means to an end for your desires or needs and when I am used and discarded this way it makes me want to shut down and turn off from all of you!  Yet, I do believe there is a mate for me who is my equal, who can honour and hold my sex, heart and soul as sacred – I will stay open to love, kindness and goodness as this is my soul…but what about yours?

A little advice from one of your own:

http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/kt-why-an-honest-man-will-always-give-you-a-reason-for-ending-it/

LVOE

Dancing with Shiva

Shiva & Shakti

While in the ashram I came to know myself in a new way.  I am not saying that there is not work to do and there are many things that need refining and transforming but what this highly self-critical little yogini came to see was where the goodness in her nature was hidden or underdeveloped.

I found a reservoir of strength and tenacity that is unending and actually expands the more it is challenged.   I found that I have a grace and beauty that is divine and at times even mesmerising.  I experienced myself as being intelligent for the first time and that I have not just a very good and capable mind but also a heart and soul that has articulate divine intelligence.  I was shown love and kindness in a way that I had only ever dreamed of but had come to doubt due to the experiences of life – rendering them just a fanciful dream.

I know now that I am creative in love, passionate, open and willing to break out of a mould to show those I love just how much I care for them.  I am tender, gentle and adore harmony but am equally fierce, protective and passionate if there is a need.  I seek to find people’s hearts language and am willing to speak to these needs, which creates a desire to serve unendingly those who are also seekers.

Before the Ashram,  I always had a yearning for;

 A Design, An Alignment, A Cry of my Heart to See

The Beauty of Love – As it was made to be (from its Divine origins)

MUMFORD & SONS –Sigh No More

Within the ashram I felt like I experienced that very LOVE and it felt as if someone was loving me without wanting anything from me in return.  I experienced this love as it adapted to serve my highest self and needs, that it sought to uplift all that is good and beautiful in me and while not ignoring the dross and difficulty, it didn’t get stuck or focused there.  I felt it to be abundantly generous, kind, humble, profound, sublime, appropriate, playful, intuitive and infinite.

Swami Niranjanananda Saraswati (Swamiji) is the most sincere, serious and committed sannyasins (spiritual person) I could ever imagine meeting and feel blessed to have lived within his Ashram.  He is a profound human being if indeed he is like the rest of us – which I doubt!  During my time there, I experienced COUNTLESS logic defying ‘miracles’ which indicated that I was indeed in the presence of an exceptional being.  On one particular occasion after seeing something quite profound, it occurred to me that he could be the embodiment of Shiva – CONSCIOUSNESS.  That should the purest of consciousness decide to take form, that he is indeed that Murti.  Given his greatness, of course his love is exceptional, intuitive and the purest thing I have ever experienced, felt and seen.

Back in my Australian life, I went Dancing last night and was in my element – doing the thing I love most in a world that is far from the purity of the ashram.  While dancing I am free, joyful, accepting and willing to explore all of me within my field of experience.  The recent sexual experience I was blessed to enjoy has liberated new awareness’s, movements and energy in my dance body – I AM SHAKTI!

 Dakini

 As I was getting lost in my new found motions, music and magic, I turned and saw the doppelgänger of Swamiji – smiling wildly in my direction.  He came and stood next to me and as I honoured his arrival and bowed humbly to this divine soul – We danced!!!  And oh, how we danced.

This is a man that shows up continuously.  He never hides from me. He has showered me with love like no other and I am officially spoilt for the rest of the human race.  A new benchmark of LOVE has been set in my life and was reaffirmed by Swamijis subtle presence in my world last night.  As I drove home, I wept in abundant deep gratitude for his love and at the loss felt by the untethering of my Human heart.

This Divine Love has arrested all of me and now I am but Shivas Bhakti x

3.-Vajrayogini

Bunny Boiler Anyone?

What a ride this has been!

When I left India, I had this feeling that perhaps there were some experiences or karmas that had to be exhausted ‘out here’ as the scope of experience that I needed fell outside possible expression within ashram life (along with many other reasons for leaving) …

I have been opened in ways that I never thought possible.  The experiences I have had have run along similar lines outwardly to what I have previously experienced, but now I am different and as a result, EVERYTHING is different.

I am so much more sensitive and so feel things even more acutely than I ever have.  This is saying something for a borderline baby with a simian line which provides me with a merged head and heart, high sensitivity, intensity, obsessiveness and an addictive quality to my nature!  Weow!!!  Now, all these sensitivities nearly push me over the edge as their intensity and clarity is like watching an electrode ignite which is also hooked up to a tazer shocking me with each impulse!

The place where I have witnessed this most is in my recent intimate interaction.  I met and knew this man for a short time and only actually physically engaged with him 3 times and while it wasn’t love…it felt like there was something there… a powerful history of some description.  Somehow I felt like I knew him well and could easily love him if given the time and space.  He evoked very similar feelings in me to this;

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/01/please-fck-me-to-my-peaceful-place/

So much so that on one occasion we were at an art exhibition when we knelt down and placed ourselves in buddhas head – it actually felt like we entered a suspended space of peace, stillness and within arose a desire to love him like I have never loved another, but this doesn’t make sense !  It feels like every yearning, desire and passion I have ever had and withheld over the last few years has been unleashed on him – he is the recipient of my immense energy which is now channelled into unrealistic, disproportionate and obsessive desire and I am going CRAZY!!!

Normal people don’t throw themselves into people this way, right? With such intensity, abandon and voracity?  Particularly at my age – I should be cautious and with high levels of self-preservation…Why do I not have them?  When did I miss that class?

Bunny Boiler

I WANT to be with him yet pushed him away to do the ‘right thing’ for so many practical reasons and yet my heart, body and mind loves his and is fighting the decision.  As a result I am HEART SORE – quite literally!

This is a state in which my heart aches, ribs are constricted, my heart is knotted and sewn into a vice , it is difficult to breathe deeply and  there are stabbing pains within my chest , this feeling creeps up into my neck, where it numbs my throat and blocks my voice!  I am speechless with pain!

Others I know meet people and calmly go about a mutual, managed and restrained dance of flirtation…Me, I want to rocket straight into the depths of this being and explore everything – getting lost in me, him and us.  Where is the equanimity I see in others?  Why can I not ‘take it easy’?  Why do I lack the comfort of courting?  Where does this deep anxiety which creates a voracious appetite to know EVERYTHING now, come from?

I was consumed with some self-loathing at my strangeness when I took myself out for a walk by the beach and was rewarded with all the love in the world.  While in India I came to see my strangeness, intensity and seriousness as a real asset on this path of seeking truth.  There were many experiences which would have seemed odd, but to me they were natural and complete.

It was the first time since being back in OZ that I have had some Indian magic arrive!  That subtly of thought and instant response I receive from nature along with the infinite subtle awareness that I am woven into and can feed my experience gratefully back to my maker, blows my brains and heart out.  I was provided with an epic display of creative brilliance from Mother Nature herself and instantly felt perfect, loved and special and rewarded for my complexity.

I can’t ever imagine having nice polite, normal or contained passions, shy yearnings or restricted seeking  and while that will make my personal life somewhat challenging and require a very special person to be able to deal with me, they are also the very qualities that have inspired my passion to not just see and feel suffering of others but to actively participate and mobilize others to help alleviate them.

And as the lighting was flashing through the snow white clouds against the darkening sky like synapsis pulsing through a brain, I remembered that I invited this intensity.  I invited Tara Ma into my life in a BIG way through her Bija Mantra!

I am invoking her ferociously, unrelentingly, ardently and passionately in the hope that she my reveal my ignorance’s, limitations, karmas and leave me empty as a pure vessel for her to work through to see Tara Akhara come to life – my life is being sacrificed for this grand plan which will require all of me.  Swamiji has said that Mantra is like detergent on the causal body which dislodges all of the rubbish, desires and memories which are stuck hidden in the subtle realms.  And so they are coming with abundant intensity – pushing me to the edge of sanity and yet I am still aware, working and trying to process the flow of so much ‘stuff’.

Allowing myself to have these purging expressions without judging myself and my small polite (or impolite in this case) identity is challenging but when I slip into these grooves of harm, MA is always there to drag me out and remind me of what is really going on.  I forget that losing your shit hurts, that seeing your dysfunctions honestly and squarely, is not initially pleasant and that Tapas & Sadhana are profoundly powerful at amputating all the excesses within my life and nature to allow space for that divinity to dwell and swell.

I am so sorry for learning on those people as I unravel and a huge thank you to MA for keeping me going x

Jai MA

Ma Manga