Scene of the Crime

I have returned to the place in which my whole life both began and fell apart.  The nexus from which my youth and the journey into adulthood began. As can be expected with most people who have suffered trauma – this individuation process was painful, rocky and revealed how ill-equipped I was in stepping into adulthood.  I feel like many of these gaps have continued to shape the middle-aged woman I am.

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Yet I have returned in the hope that I can reclaim those pieces of me which splintered off, freeing me to move forward albeit incompletely.  To expose those feelings of shame, relieving me of the burden of secrecy and hopefully the ability to exhaust the narrative of deficiency and instead step into my fullest capability.

The somatic dissonance that I experience within this place was unexpected yet potent.  I am returned to the scene of the crime in which I was both victim and perpetrator, and in which the ‘black spots’ in my mind yet telling queues within my body expose the degree to which I have been coping yet damaged.

There are places, I know I should know and yet when I am there, they are new to me.  So removed is the ability to recall this place and what occurred here that it reveals the shadowy, undefined yet perceivable knowing, that this place was too difficult for me and so it had been locked out of reach.  The returning to these physical places is reawakening my understanding of how I reclaimed my wings by leaving yet has simultaneously revealed the carved caverns filled with shadows of suffering yet to be soothed.

And as is the way these days – my body echoes so truthfully what is happening for me.  I experience the subtle through the gross to ensure I stay integrated, connected and committed to the healing and hearing of my body, heart and mind.

 

gyno

I was referred to see a gynaecologist after a pap smear came back a little unusual.  I believed it was just another one of those strange anomalies that have been happening to my body since my journey began through India.  However, this time the results were not nothing and so I had to go and get it checked.  I book in and found myself concerned about seeing a male gynaecologist.

These days – I don’t like people touching me – my skin, my body and definitely not my insides if those touches are not filled with loving kindness.  I am particularly cautious of men – my personal lived experiences of abuse at the hands of men and the understanding of how women are perceived through my time in India has left me resistant, often repulsed and wanting to be very selective when opening myself to them.   I just don’t trust many of them these days – their privilege and entitlement blinds them to the casual suffering women endure daily just by being women!

I arrived at the appointment, and this doctor asks me a lot of questions including about the notes made by the GP regarding my mental health.  He mentions that I have had ‘mental issues’ for a long time and wonders about what they are and how I feel about that.  His interest piques when I explain that I am celibate and have been for many years, that my periods stopped in the ashram and that I have renunciate tendencies.  He stopped listening to the responses I offered to his questions … I had to tell him that I had three terminations (abortions) nor carried any children to term three times as he just stopped listening and was clearly preoccupied in his thinking process …. Not a comforting state when you about to be examined.

He explains to me the various steps that he will take in the examination and I accept the plan and then we get on with it.  As he inserts the speculum I start feeling uncomfortable.  I feel like emotionally I am vulnerable and I don’t trust this man.  My muscles grip and spasm, trying to remove him and his apparatus from my body – there is physical pain due to the mental resistance and I don’t want to be touched.  My cervix and womb start spasming and I can see they are terrified … yet I am still, compliant and silent!

He asks me questions about my sexual experiences and other bodily functions while my legs are up in the stirrups which I answer mono syllabically.  He then says ‘hmmmmmm’ and informs me that he has found something and he will need to take a biopsy.  He cuts two pieces from my cervix and I am numb – can’t feel a thing….this normally highly sensitive part of my body has disassociated and removed itself from my sensory perception.  My effective coping mechanism has kicked in and the door is locked once again on the suffering that my body is enduring but protecting my mind from.  My body begins to bleed and I begin to weep.

There is a deep sadness within me that I have had to learn this skill and that it is so effective, yet still it doesn’t let me connect to this pain x

Then just when I think it is all over and he has removed the speculum and started wrapping up, he takes two gloved fingers and puts them into my bloodied and wounded vagina and begins moving them around, pushing my pelvis down with his other hand until he is touching my g-spot from within.  Still I remain silent, compliant and unquestioning of his authority while tears continue touching my cheeks.  My mind doesn’t understand what is happening – is this really happening?  This was not mentioned earlier in his plan and yet what is he doing?  Is this part of the assessment or part of his pleasure?

I leave having paid a lot of money for this privilege and experience the fall out within my body and mind.  I see how these habits of unquestioning when I don’t understand cause me great turmoil, that my boundaries are overly flexible and my mental fractures activate all too easily.  I don’t know what happened.  I don’t know if all my fears and experiences have built a narrative of fear and abuse around men when in reality, there is no intention or if indeed that radar of victim continues to draw diminishing experiences and perpetrators into my world.  I don’t want to hate men, fear them or distrust them but the tone of their interactions with me often seem just a little off and disrespectful.

This town and this body holds so much wisdom and yet so much damage – I have a lot of work to do at trying to coax connection, compassion and integration so that I can come out of this part of the journey more whole, happy and loving.

I begin the study of Criminology, Justice, Psychology and Sexology in the coming weeks, and find that these intersect so powerfully through the course of my life.  May I learn to heal myself and serve others with the understanding I gain through this process.

May Gurudev never leave my side.  Not removing these karmas from me but helping me walk through them while offering me his presence as a witness and guide home.

Hari OM Tat Sat.

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