The touchy subjects of Sex and Spirit which this whole blog is based on has been brought into clear focus yet again – due to the judgmental positions people take from either side of the tracks. Those to the right (who are always right) often believe that spirituality must be ‘pure’ and above the profane within humanity. While the lefties often believe that one dedicated to spirituality is bland, boring or for purist which strips one of the ‘fun and naughtiness’ in life. These recent conversations have reignited my passion to honestly address these issues from my personal experience as a highly sexual AND spiritual person.
Given the rampant sexuality (and abuses) that have occurred in the tradition of which I am a part, it was suggested that I withdraw my blog until things cool off. Given I wasn’t there and don’t know exactly what happened, any comment could be used to hurt either my Guru and his immediate disciples or those victims who shared their stories during the Royal Commission. Neither of which was my intention. So I did just that but in the silence, I just saw more polarity, no bridges were being built on the foundations of understanding, acceptance, or even genuine curiosity which is devoid of judgement.
You see – I am a sexual creature. Given I was sexualised at a very young age, against my wishes and then becoming addicted to the rush of ever intensifying experiences and the suffering that deepening sexual debauchery offers, I would say I have explored a lot of territory. None of which I regret but all of which have left their mark. I was a risk taker with sex (and many other things) – the riskier the better and more exciting – and I guess I was seeking a way to feel, to take control and to have power over another all the while I was sinking into annihilation. I pushed myself into territory which terrified me in the hope that if I can be ‘ok’ there, then perhaps everything will be ok. But it wasn’t.
I found love and that changed everything. I softened into a sexual experience that was loving, nurturing and honouring of myself which allowed many of the scars to slide from my skin and allow the gentlest of touches to be felt. I still enjoyed the games, the play and the occasional rush of pushing the boundaries but this was done with love at its heart. I like to make love and fuck the man I adore ….Why not right?
Just as the sexual side of my nature is developed so too is my spirit. I am an old soul, who has some kick ass capability. I have devoted a lot of time and effort into some intensive sadhana which has really had an effect on the quality of my awareness. Armed with an absolute steely clarity and focus towards my practice and commitment to my evolution, it lets nothing and no one get in my way. I am unrelenting in my resolve to evolve and will hack off my limbs if I am bound to elements which are binding or preventing my growth. As an outcome of this severity, comes the most delicate, refined and gentlest of sensibilities – an unfolding or blossoming of a deeply poetic yearning and romantic longing for the divine. A genuine devotion and dedication to all that is beautiful and subtle.
I have a deep capability for surrender, for worship and for total devotion to not just the divine but to the divine in a man. I want to love, worship and serve that subtle sublime that permeates our universe AND I also want to fuck the brains out of the embodiment of that divinity contained within a man.
Now for me – these two things are not separate. I am the one person and these two elements reside within me. These polarities are no polarities at all but capabilities and potentialities for wholeness. A bridging of the divine with the mundane.
I get called into question by many people – within the spiritual and sexual communities – about my ‘right’ to be a sannyasi or what is ‘left’ of my sexuality after my spiritual aims. I get frustrated that I have to continue to explain this. I AM a Sannyasi, and not just because someone initiated me, but because this is my nature. I was born this way! I am deeply committed to my practice, to serve and uplift humanity wherever and however I can and to remain inspired about evolution while simultaneously being a highly sexual creature who wants to worship the divine within my man with all the creative capacity available to me through years of training, experience and exploration.
While for now I am celibate and have been for many years, it doesn’t mean that I am not interested or open to sharing that deeply sexual part of my nature. It just has to be with that person who has captivated my heart which is not possible – so it remains dormant not dead!
I am a woman, I am a sannyasi and I am also sexual…who is to tell me how I should live this God given embodiment? I have a body which enjoys pleasure, I have a soul which is divine, why should I not be able to express this unique life to its fullest expression? Why am I asked to deny or shame my body, sexuality or humanness when for a time, I was gifted with this experience. I will never forget that I am ‘not that’ and that in fact I am ‘Eternity and Bliss Divine’ yet what is wrong with accepting both? With honoring both?
There is a story of a saint who walked around naked and her disciples were worried about ‘appearances’ and said ‘why don’t you put on some clothes’, she responded with ‘Do you see my body or do you see my soul’?
If I choose to wear sexy lingerie, grow my hair, go by another name or live my life by my choosing, does that make me any less of a Sannyasi?
Or if I choose to practice mantra, shave my hair, go by another name or live my life within ashrams, does that make me any less sexual?
I can tell you from personal experience – NOPE it does not, for now I am both!