Speechless

For a little soul who loves language, is constantly looking for ways to articulate her experience of life and refine this capacity into a graceful art form, I have found myself speechless.

Unable to speak to the movements of my heart – recalling moments when a trauma lodged in my throat and refused to spill its terror for fear of causing others harm.  Speechless at the beliefs I held which elevated professions and those within them only to see that the wafer thin veneer of authority covered a deeply unresolved incapacity.

I am lost for words at trying to fathom my spiritual journey and in the growing silence explore the terrain as though it was all just a divine dream.  The mind fracturing dichotomy at having left yet feeling abandoned by my only…….and again the words slip from my grasp.

The void in understanding my life, its process, its purpose, its poetry and most poignantly phenomenal privilege render my thoughts mute and incoherent.

This bitter wound that has erupted within my throat leading to raw, rough yet unspoken words of loss for the one I love.  The passionate words that ascend from my heart with volcanic force yet are halted by fear and capped with gripping and crippling silence, slicing my words and throat itself into bloodied ribbons of suffering.  Should the words ever be adequate to express the tenderness I feel, the concern that these soft petals of love be cast into a world for all to see and savage continue to score out the words leaving me speechless yet again…..though I try.

I have asked for this to be hidden from all those seen and unseen eyes, for this loss to be taken from my heart and yet it remains and the mounting ache of sadness viciously anchors me to desolation.  I feel that I must try to move this pain, that perhaps the holding and hiding is the very root of my mute impotence and so I will spill my soul into the silence and dead of night.

/

Having finally found you

I see you stand there

My everything

In which I can place nothing

Offer nothing and

Utter no-thing

except

Space

/

You are my other

My lover

My Shiva

My eternity

And still I let you go

Without a word…

/

Love

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