The first blind steps along this new chapter of my life have begun, on which my feet tread upon the belief and hope in the insights so graciously offered me while I was in the ashram. These recent revelations have been the crowning glory atop the footings of experiential truths gained over the years of living and searching through various corners of this diverse life.
I went with a goal to the ashram – to draw nearer to my beloved Gurudev, to know myself and to see a clear direction in life, thinking that it would take some years to excavate and extract, when in fact the treasured vision came shortly after my arrival and left me with a pocketful of gems to start making these simple yet precious pieces of art from my life.
There is no turning back or away from the truth of who I am and what I am here to do. So now I just have to do it, even though I feel ill-equipped and alone in clearing this unbeaten path. The old me is dead, the old me has finally revealed the constraints that were slowly sabotaging and killing my very existence and which covered my most prized expression – LOVE.
The adage that you just have to keep picking yourself up, and dusting yourself off no matter how many times you fall or fail has really struck a cord with me at this time. I have had many people over my life tell me that I have fallen or failed which I seemingly had but I had come to believe them – fully and wholeheartedly, that I no longer believed in my own ability to stand and walk upon this unique journey of self expression.
What I have come to see though, is that I do do things a little differently. I always have, and not as an expression of some sort of rebellion (well, it may have started that way), but simply because this is my nature, my perspective and my GIFT. The ability to stand in the face of a torrential downpour of conditioning and still be willing to stand alone in the rain, believing that who I am is not that, has always been there. I have never run for cover, or taken props to make things more comfortable – I stand in my truth even if no one else can see it. Yet, I have now been seen and in this simple act, I found acceptance, appreciation, support and love.
And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane
by those who could not hear the music.
– Friedrich Nietzsche –
And so now I continue dancing with the knowing that there are others who hear the music and see the beauty of my dance. It is a little twisted, a little weird yet it certainly has its beauty and its purpose.
I recently applied for a job. Having returned from India, it was time to begin the next chapter but jumped into old habits due to the discomfort of impatience, the fear of evolution. Though the irony is that I applied for LOTS of jobs as I have many skills yet what I realised is that I am pretty much unemployable. My resume is just never going to get me work in the normal sense given the life I have lead even though I love working and have a great work ethic.
I was worried about not knowing which steps to take forward with this new found understanding of mine – the me who can vs the me who others say can’t. The old me hijacked trust and said
‘just get a job; make money and don’t worry about it; you will be miserable but at least you will have money; be responsible, suck it up, grow up and don’t worry about you feelings’.
This self loathing inner narrative which prompted me (my old self) to take charge of the situation and ‘do something’, eventually got me a job offer. However as with all things when I don’t trust, lead from a place of fear or just don’t come from MY place, it will never end well. The job offered was in the mining camps, where there are suicides every month and from which I had previously come that had literally nearly killed me – yet at least I would have money – RIGHT?! The old me continued saying things like
‘maybe this time you can do it right; you can get ahead and look after those you love and plan for your future like all those other people out there; why don’t you just forget about all these ideas about life and just get on with it.’
So a decision needed to be made. To go with the old which was solid, concrete and presenting an genuine opportunity or trust the new ill-defined, uncertain and subtle to manifest in time to support these evolving aims? The old narrative was now balanced with a clarity in what I value, where I excel and am able to contribute optimally along with that vital component which ignites my soul. I now have an understanding of that thing that integrates the inner and the outer so I can feel my place of centre in the world without being fractured, dismembered or incomplete in my expressions existence, but what does that look like in a job? How do I do what I don’t know how to do? How do I learn when there is no-one to teach me about leaping?
How can one balance these inner aspirations with the outer practicalities? I was thinking that perhaps I would have to create my own ‘thing’ or carve out my own space on this planet as every other ‘thing and space’ was just not responding.
While all of this action was going on, there was a deeper quiet faith that just invited a solution which would support my purposeful existence. How can I be me and offer my skills while also being supported to live in this material world?
And the answer came in the form of opportunities. Not in a linear, structured or predictable way but in an organic, sensitive and responsive way – much like the essence of that nature. I was invited to assist and support at a Rehab program where I can use my experience and ‘story’ to assist addicts see another face and form that addiction takes. I have been invited to teach yoga as a method of healing and can contribute through seva to assist in the running and development of their program! The skills and story of my life are suddenly coming into useful service in which I will be paid to share ME. Finally the place and space in which I inhabit has purpose, service and sustainability. x
While I had decided that I didn’t want to teach anymore, it did become clear that if your dharma is to teach then you must teach. Do your duty, serve when and where you can – not when or how you want to but when it is needed. A teacher mentioned that it would be incredibly selfish to not teach given how much others had invested in my experience, understanding and knowledge of Yoga and that is true. I have been blessed. If people want access to that – who am I to say no! It makes sense right yet I had thought that by not teaching I was doing everyone a favour – removing one more average teacher from the already overcrowded Yoga pool.
I was asked to teach a few classes around Brisbane and will teach a couple of privates from home. Another step to settle into my new life is finding a home – getting my own place after all these years! I can finally sleep in my own bed and have my puja table established (cant be happier about that WOOT). The last piece of good news this week is that I heard back from the Uni Assessor today that my ranking far exceeds the requirements for the course that I have applied for during the midyear intake. The course – a double degree of Justice and Psychology will enable me to get my Masters of Sexology once complete so that I can finally work in the field of Human Rights / Anti Trafficking which was pointed out all those years ago.
I am taking the baby steps of stepping into my life, into my Self in its fullest expression without the fear of not fitting in or failing to fulfill the expectations others have of me. I know what vision revealed itself to me, I now know what skills I have to fulfill that vision and I am excited at the chapters ahead. But mostly while I am going it alone, I have never felt so loved, supported and at home in my skin and on this planet.
May we all be kind to each other on our long and challenging journey home x