The theme of love and relating is never far from the surface these days – whether it is the established love of my family and my relationships to old friends, or finding love in difficult situations and relating to those that are polarised in their opinions and emotions to me. This theme is at the heart of my life and I get to practice daily! Just a couple of days ago – I deliberately went to see a man who had mattered greatly (albeit briefly) and then randomly bumped into the man who shared the most important intimate relationship of my life – this was the man I was going to marry. While these two men are different and the story in terms of duration and structure differ greatly, there is a similarity and familiarity between them that my karmic body instantly recognises. A sense of difficulty, intensity and ultimate impossibility…
That same day I received some results about my health which was totally unexpected, shocking and got me thinking…
I was advised that I have HYPOglycaemia which basically means that my body doesn’t absorb the sugar I eat which can be the cause of and lead to some major problems. This is surprising given the amount of sugar I eat within my diet – I LOVE SUGAR! I know it is killing me – yet…
And there was the thread – that beautiful sutra of consideration where the inner and outer meet. Where paradox is formed and explored and wisdom is found in the essence of polarities.
Perhaps my consumption of sugar is the fill and fuel that my body needs to survive at this time given it is seeking balance and ultimate health in illhealth. Without sugar my mind and body wouldn’t function and so I bomb my system to look normal even though I look anything but normal when eating that much sugar! And perhaps these loves of mine were not healthy for me but exactly what I needed at the time?
As I move towards health in my body and reveal the cause for this inability to absorb sweetness – I look to the loves that I have loved and the unfulfilled cravings of these unions. The feelings I experienced of dehydrated sweetness, absence of whole nutrition and filling my superficial need to get charged while internally I was starving and hiding a deep sickness.
I met a man some time ago and become deeply attracted to him though am distant, unsure and fearful of him. He is so very different to what I have known. He is like the Sun itself – full of light, laughter, love, joy, innocence, sweetness, goodness, generosity, beauty along with deep dedication and strength…. I want to take care of him, for him to know how beautiful he is, protect him and ensure that he reaches his full potential. My care for him has very little to do with me and everything to do with appreciating and supporting him to reach his highest goals…and they are lofty!
My therapist asked me about this and I will often be speechless in trying to articulate the subtle movements he evokes within me. My therapist also asked if I should just explore this energy personally (without him initially) through masturbation and I explained that I had tried – but it just felt empty. Not enough and not what this was about…. My heart loves this person and while my body may follow – for the first time, it has no interest in leading the charge. This is not about sex but about intimacy, connection and care.
Very different indeed.
Perhaps as I expose illness and explore wellness, everything is changing. The things that used to serve to sustain me all the while deeply destroying me, will be replaced by a quiet, simple and integrated wellness that doesn’t need much of anything…except sunshine!