I don’t do CASUAL

casual_sex

Recently I had a conversation with a man who was true, honest and passionate in his biology and desired to ‘FUCK THE WORLD’.  He unashamedly wanted to experience all the female fare on offer.  We discussed if this was an attempt for him to intimately feel connection and that he was trying to exhaust his feeling of separation and reach a state of union albeit grossly.  I explained that if this was the driver, it could be experienced and actually exponentially deepened by more subtle practices without engaging the gross and often dysfunctional behaviours people hold around Sex and Relationships.

This led me to think of one of my great loves whom I initially assumed was just after me for sex, however after I threw him into an orgy and saw him become deeply traumatised, I realised that he was one of those unicorns – the monogamous male!  I had never met one of them before.   And so after I ‘saw’ him, I quit sex work immediately to give us a real chance at working.  It was great for many years and then slowly he opened to the idea of playing (firstly with women…surprise, surprise) and eventually he agreed to let me play with boys too.  However this didn’t end well as when he was given the freedom to play, his primal animal biology needed more, more, more and that sensitive soul forgot the kindness, respect and honesty he had always shown me which is why I fell in love with.  It didn’t last long after that.

And finally I have a friend who has been a ‘lad’ for many years and is blossoming into quite the soulful creature and when he shares a profound contemplation on Facebook, his female friends jump in with support, encouragement and connection while his male friends jump in with ‘I want to have your babies’, or ‘Dude, Marry Me’….?

This is what I have come to see of the male side of sex and relating? 

And if so, how is the woman and her biology placed within our society?

More importantly….How am I and Where do I fit?

I have a voracious appetite with sex.  I have been a sex worker – owned my sexuality ‘like a boss’ (as the boys would say) which is uncommon for a woman and as a result I have a bit of a reputation.

I have had men want to have sex with me as though I am a ride at an amusement park – they see that I am unique and they want to ‘taste’ this exotic fare.

Some are honest and provide me with a disclaimer, saying that they are happy being single and just want to play without too much attachment.  However they also say that they need ‘intimacy’ and want to feel connected and love through the exchange and not just have some purely physical encounter.  While still others say all the lines that women true to their biology want to hear and then after they have explored and conquered their prey through manipulation, deception and selfishness, they cast her aside, for the next one in the queue.   They are the shadow hunters.

So what I take and make from this is that these men are being true to their biology in wanting to have sex on their terms which is to have me throw myself fully into the experience with them,  give them all of me – emotions, body, mind and soul but then not connect or emotionally bond with them.  As they are just playing, not interested in me this way or can’t commit!

They want to feel loved by me but not actually have me love them???  WTF!!!

Where is the respect for my biology, heart, mind or soul – I AM A PERSON!!! 

I am not only exploring my capacity in terms of what this playground of a body has to offer – not just for others pleasure but more importantly to experience MY GOD GIVEN SELF.  I am a woman and yes I have a history which means I have certain ‘skills’ however this outwardly wild, experienced, open and ‘anything goes’ kind of persona is just that…a persona.

My insides are tender, loving, and adore diving deeply into another.  I long and yearn for a single person to explore wholly, unreservedly, profoundly and god forbid – spiritually, while also building a life with.  Yet due to my past it seems impossible.  I seem to not be considered as ‘one of those girls’ given my past outer life, even though my inner world is pure, loving and typical of biology.

I want a person to share my life with, to share my joys, sorrows, body, skills, love and sex with…I will not apologise for this and wonder why we women when we are true to biology are made fun of, ridiculed or admonished when men who are true to theirs are applauded, accepted and awarded.

LOVE

The problem is that I take sexual union VERY seriously.  I had been celibate for a long time not to be conquered but because I have higher practices, hopes and desires to explore these landscapes with someone that I love, want to be with and believe in.  Yet because of my past, people are more convinced of my flippancy and willingness to be casual even with everything I say.

I don’t have casual ANYTHING least of all casual sex.

 My life is spiritual, serious, disciplined and committed – why would Sex be any different. 

Another layer to this is that I am a survivor of various sexual assaults and as a result it is very easy for me to feel used, even after a consensual experience if I feel that people are not there for me in an honest, caring and loving way.  I need love, care and genuine interest in a lasting bond to feel secure in sex and not have the emotional fall out that others without my experience, tend not to feel.

I love sex, I can worship a man but I can’t do casual, lightweight or within a limited context.  When I am used for another’s pleasures or experimentation, it opens up old wounds for me, which is why I haven’t had sex for so long.  I didn’t know I wanted an all-in kind of LOVE but when I knew, was waiting to share it with someone I trusted – and I chose the wrong person!  I GOT PLAYED)

MEN – please leave me alone unless you are interested in ME in a deep sincere and abiding sense. Not to conquer, take a turn, learn something new from or play with.

I do believe in good men and hope that there are some left who are honest, truthful and sincere, as I am.  I am NOT a means to an end for your desires or needs and when I am used and discarded this way it makes me want to shut down and turn off from all of you!  Yet, I do believe there is a mate for me who is my equal, who can honour and hold my sex, heart and soul as sacred – I will stay open to love, kindness and goodness as this is my soul…but what about yours?

A little advice from one of your own:

http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/kt-why-an-honest-man-will-always-give-you-a-reason-for-ending-it/

LVOE

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