Lust and other Addictions

I have less than a week before I head off to India for 2 years to partake in Sannyasin Training where hopefully I will dissolve some of the thoughts, behaviours and qualities that negatively make up my character.  I have come to see that there is so much gold within my nature but oh my word – there is still a whole heap of ‘merde’.

One aspect of my nature which I have seen very clearly this last week is my addictive personality and in particular how it works into my sexuality.  In the past, the biggest expression of this ravenous, all consuming, destructive influence was with drugs.  I could never get enough and in any combination, at any time and all my thoughts consumed with when I would next ‘get wasted’.

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While my outer life is much more positive and inner aspects are seeing the light, this dark seed remains.  It often sprouts passions, longings and unrequited yearnings which are never filled as I unconsciously choose what creates this dynamic.  I think I fear getting that thing I think I want as maybe I don’t really want it and resist the compromises and cost required to live a life with another.

While in the UK with mum, I considered my current celibate state (which is coming up to 2 years) and wondered if I should keep it going until after the Ashram, which would be another two years.  A part of me wanted some kindness, physical softness/contact and intimate nourishment that comes with hours spent enjoying a lover and so I opened the door.  ‘If an opportunity presents itself – I will take it’.

And so it did – sort of!  Again I wanted to explore this man wholeheartedly however there were limits imposed due to his relationship perimeters, so I was unable to dive deep and had to stay agonisingly floating on the surface glimpsing all the movements below.  This seemed so ironic, frustrating and ideal.  I recognised that I ‘tease’ within my work because this is how I like to be seduced – slowly, with restraint, controlled and deliciously building up the tension until it passionately explodes and can’t be contained any longer.

What I also saw was that this form of tease prevents me from having equanimity and detachment.  All my free mental space is taken up with thoughts of what I would do to him, of how beautiful he is (that gorgeous monolith!)  and what the future holds (yes, yes I know – such a girl!!!).  I am consumed with only him – I want more, more, more…A junkie for these thoughts and experiences.  My waking and dreaming worlds are filled with him and only him and so the addiction continues.  What a mess!

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I have had insights about people liking me but changing their minds and I was always wondering what would make them consider doing this…..I’m awesome!  HELLO!!!  I think my intensity must be terrifying as ultimately like any junkie, it isn’t the drug or person of choice but rather that I am using them as distractions, crutches and novacane to sedate the bigger lessons required of me. 

I am blessed in not being able to get what I ‘want’ as I what I need is being offered instead.  This was invited into my life from the purist and deepest aspect of my nature many years ago when I asked for and committed to me.  And so it is…..

I am off to India kids – celibate and happy x

HARI OM TAT SAT

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