I have come to see over the last month or so that I have been blessed and cursed with a great deal of Strength. That while this was initially gifted into my psyche, life and experiences have activated this latent potential into a mighty force.
It has cultivated within me an iron will, a clear intellect (at times), a disciplined spirit and a fierce heart. Obviously these are potentially damaging elements and I have come to see my desire to refine and harness these into appropriate and useful expressions.
The benefits of these gifts are that I am passionate, loyal, committed, unmoved/swayed by obstacles and am a perpetual freedom seeker. However the downside which has caused me and others harm in the past is that I can be ruthless and fight when I shouldn’t. For example;
In Relationships –
∞ Staying and holding on for too long (when I should let go)
∞ Fighting over the small stuff and not seeing my lover as my teacher (big picture)
∞ Expect a high level of integrity and fight if I don’t see it (low acceptance of differences)
∞ Fear being controlled, dominated or manipulated by my softer side (triggers fight/flight)
In my Views –
∞ I can fight out of ignorance, fear, judgement
∞ I take a position with my narrow view and believe it to be ‘true’
∞ Creative mind can lead to acting from a place of illusion
∞ I demand more from and fight my body to be ‘right’ even when I often neglect it
∞ I wrestle and fight to be good enough and have ‘good emotions’
∞ When I see an aspect of my nature which is unpleasing – I tend to punish myself
Knowing the difference of when to fight and when to lay down my arms is vital for my development. I don’t wish to deny my strength just use it wisely and in the service of others and my purpose. I feel myself softening lately and am reminded on many levels of this aim.
I had a massage today as my neck is out due to the load and strain that I put on my system repeatedly. Along with this neck spasm, I was getting injections, had a performance to go to, a class to teach and 8 hours of massage clients coming up! A big drain on my overloaded system.
As my physio was working deeply into the fascia of my neck I noticed my fight! I was blocking, resisting, fighting and holding into the pain contained within my body. She was trying to get in and I noticed my resistance through shrugged shoulders and short breath. I let go and accepted her deep connection – I drained the fight and allowed her into old wounds, deep scar tissue and fragile tenderness. I am now raw and crave to be alone, to be still and kind to this arising softness.
I don’t want to hold on anymore or fight against myself. I want to allow this softness, openness, trust and love which are also potent forces within my nature to rise and work in harmony with my fight. There are times to be strong and fight but I feel a little too good at that now and want to allow myself the other. To peel myself open, shed my skin, expose my sensitivities and soften into gentleness.
Hari Om Tat Sat