Let’s forget Yoga for a second and talk science….quantum physics specifically. The concept of black holes/ the void/ field or vacuum (many different names – Me, I call it the WEB which only vibrates when something excites/pings it structure) which is infinite, eternal and all pervasiveness in which seems to contain all inert yet inherent possibility and ‘intelligence/consciousness’ which is the substratum of …well EVERYTHING. Arising from and inherent in the above (unable to be separated from) is the quality of energy – that the entire universe and all its manifestations are composed of, taking on universal and predictable patterns or designs (sacred geometry/ torus etc). It is understood that EVERYTHING is composed of and from these two elements.
Now back to Yoga – In Yoga we call these two elements ParamShiva and AdiShakti. People hear us using these Gods/Goddess names and instantly think we are blindly worshiping irrelevant Idols/Murtis, with an unreal deluded mind yet most of the Sadhaks I know, balance the science with the experience – the unifying (yoga) of these elements into a whoistic wisdom.
So from that subtle primary point of creation to our ordinary yet profound lives, there lives so much confusion – What is real or important and what is uselessly binding or removing us from experiencing that ultimate truth of our existence. Since I have left the ashram I have jumped headlong into modern society. I found myself watching a movie and crying at a scene I felt pain over. I realised that I was engrossed, I had totally engaged my whole awareness, so identified with the experience of what I was seeing that my own feelings were triggered. I understood that I was not seeing ‘the real world’, even though the themes are fundamentally and collectively human. It left me wondering if my feelings are real, was my perception real and who am I actually in that moment?
While living in the Ashram recently, again I was consumed in the experience. I was daily diving very deep and wholeheartedly into what felt like my real nature, true essence and realised living – simple, honest and stripped of excess or distractions. As a result I came to see a different version of me, one that felt more real, more authentic. Upon leaving the ashram, I came home and people ask me ‘Now that you are back in the ‘Real world’ what will you do’…To which I can’t seem to find traction to answer. This ‘real world’ seems insane to me, with all its violence, excess and ignorance. Where is the deep open and natural laughter which flows so easily at the ashram even under such intense challenges? The experiences within the Ashram were profound yet so subtle and difficult to define or capture, that to the intellectual mind they could seem tenuous at best yet the unfolding of these experiences has revealed a higher and purer form of wisdom. But is this real? As I peer out through this body, these eyes, having crossed such vast continents of experience, it is easy to wonder, ‘What am I, Why am I here’ ‘What’s the point’ & What is real’?.
The AMAZING gifts given by Swamiji of an inner stability and knowing of my essential nature which awoke during my stay and his book which I am currently consumed with The Tantra Darshan by Swami Niranjanananda Saraswati evoked the answer.
I am just SHIVA’s LILA and my job is to not obstruct, hinder or prevent his exploration of himself through me – his beautiful flesh and blood Murti! I am his body, senses and mind through which, that all pervasive eternal state can experience its potential and creativity. There is no right or wrong, good or bad – I was gifted with attributes which lead to a certain quality of experience through thinking, will, desires and expressions. I can push into the edges of these attributes and in fact, believe it is my job to do so, to expand and grow, but ultimately it is just an offering not an identification with such actions. I must learn to offer them, surrender them and just to experience the act itself while observing the ripple effect of that exerted energy.
Karma dictates (as per the Bhagavad Gita – a primary classical Indian Text) that we must act – that it’s our duty, our responsibility to do so yet to be detached from the outcomes. Just offer the action and experience to the experiencer – the source, the eternal reservoir of every potentiality, manifestation, experiences and collected memory. I have always wanted to get it ‘right’, to know my path – my dharma and have flailed for years as I just didn’t know what to do with myself. Yet now I just DO! I do what is in front of me, to the best of my ability and with as much joy and presence as I can (so that I can see those beautiful moments of divinity in the mundane – if I ‘sleep’, I miss them) and that now feels enough.
It feels right to play and be played in this way I have always had so many ideas and rather than trying to do them all….chasing sandcastles which never rise given the speed with which they come, I am being discerning and using my discrimination. I have chosen just one toy and will play with it wholeheartedly, staying focused on it….and it feels good. As a result of my play, I am receiving a flow from the universe and so we play together. My latest toy and most treasured is this one – Will you come play with me?