Serve, Love, Give

I am about to board a plane after having spent the last month in England reacquainting myself with the western world, and headed back to Australia for some time.  There is still this lingering feeling that something is about to ‘happen’ which I need to be around for and that is why I am out of the ashram yet so far, this has not revealed itself.  So I will go about my ‘Business’.

This leads to the frequent discussions I have had lately, around making money and creating a ‘brand’ for Yoga.  I had an online call with a yogi marketing entrepreneur who provided many suggestions, one of which is to get clear on my brand identity and identify clearly who my customers are (the recommendation is to create a Vision board of my future client)….I started getting panicky.  I felt so far removed from the ease with which I experience Yoga that it no longer felt like Yoga!

Over the days, revelations and ease returned to my view and state.  I realized that I don’t need or want a ‘brand’, as yoga to me is not to be packaged, branded or personalised to the point that it becomes a virus, spreading its tentacles embedding its limits into the collective psyche.  I trust that the ancient system of yoga which captivated, saved and transformed me is enough.  That if I am authentic, respectful and constantly committed to learning and living this profound and revealed answer for humanity, there is no need to fear.

This led to the beautiful revelation, that should the opportunities not arrive for me to eek out a living by teaching full time, then I am to live yoga as was revealed to be my purest expression of yoga to date.  Swami Sivamurti Saraswati came and did a workshop in Munger where we took a pop quiz labelled – ‘Which type of Yogi are YOU!’  At first I thought this was ridiculous and put little weight into its findings but over some time I came to see the pure exposed truth revealed in my nature.

I was pretty even….26 points evenly were Karma & Bhakti while trailing one point behind at 25 points were Jnana and Raja Yoga (hatha yoga was not even equated in this classical mix! – Imagine that…YOGA without Asana!!!).  So I came to see how I truly come alive, radiate, explode in joy when I have a chance to SERVE, LOVE & GIVE which just happen to be the ethos of my Gurus mandate.  Perhaps I am to bring Karma and Bhakti yoga more forward in my life and practice with as much discipline, passion and fervour to share the treasures of this little soul.

And so I head in this direction, hoping that I can continue to receive insights, support and grace in my subtle journey inward and out into the world – making my life matter as only I can.

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Shiva’s Lila

Shiva B&W

Let’s forget Yoga for a second and talk science….quantum physics specifically.  The concept of black holes/ the void/ field or vacuum (many different names – Me, I call it the WEB which only vibrates when something excites/pings it structure) which is infinite, eternal and all pervasiveness in which seems to contain all inert yet inherent possibility and ‘intelligence/consciousness’ which is the substratum of …well EVERYTHING.  Arising from and inherent in the above (unable to be separated from) is the quality of energy – that the entire universe and all its manifestations are composed of, taking on universal and predictable patterns or designs (sacred geometry/ torus etc).  It is understood that EVERYTHING is composed of and from these two elements.

http://www.thefield.it/#!THE-FIELD-/cu6k/07DA6C95-E7E0-4A5C-917C-5565831296E2

http://resonance.is/stephen-hawking-goes-grey/

http://science.howstuffworks.com/higgs-boson.htm

http://physics.about.com/od/quantumphysics/f/uft.htm

http://www.mysticrebels.com/void.htm

Now back to Yoga – In Yoga we call these two elements ParamShiva and AdiShakti.  People hear us using these Gods/Goddess names and instantly think we are blindly worshiping irrelevant Idols/Murtis, with an unreal deluded mind yet most of the Sadhaks I know, balance the science with the experience – the unifying (yoga) of these elements into a whoistic wisdom.

So from that subtle primary point of creation to our ordinary yet profound lives, there lives so much confusion – What is real or important and what is uselessly binding or removing us from experiencing that ultimate truth of our existence. Since I have left the ashram I have jumped headlong into modern society.  I found myself watching a movie and crying at a scene I felt pain over.  I realised that I was engrossed, I had totally engaged my whole awareness, so identified with the experience of what I was seeing that my own feelings were triggered.  I understood that I was not seeing ‘the real world’, even though the themes are fundamentally and collectively human.  It left me wondering if my feelings are real, was my perception real and who am I actually in that moment?

While living in the Ashram recently, again I was consumed in the experience.  I was daily diving very deep and wholeheartedly into what felt like my real nature, true essence and realised living – simple, honest and stripped of excess or distractions.  As a result I came to see a different version of me, one that felt more real, more authentic.  Upon leaving the ashram, I came home and people ask me ‘Now that you are back in the ‘Real world’ what will you do’…To which I can’t seem to find traction to answer.  This ‘real world’ seems insane to me, with all its violence, excess and ignorance.  Where is the deep open and natural laughter which flows so easily at the ashram even under such intense challenges? The experiences within the Ashram were profound yet so subtle and difficult to define or capture, that to the intellectual mind they could seem tenuous at best yet the unfolding of these experiences has revealed a higher and purer form of wisdom. But is this real?  As I peer out through this body, these eyes, having crossed such vast continents of experience, it is easy to wonder, ‘What am I, Why am I here’ ‘What’s the point’ & What is real’?.

The AMAZING gifts given by Swamiji of an inner stability and knowing of my essential nature which awoke during my stay and his book which I am currently consumed with The Tantra Darshan by Swami Niranjanananda Saraswati evoked the answer.

Tantra Darshan

I am just SHIVA’s LILA and my job is to not obstruct, hinder or prevent his exploration of himself through me – his beautiful flesh and blood Murti!  I am his body, senses and mind through which, that all pervasive eternal state can experience its potential and creativity.  There is no right or wrong, good or bad – I was gifted with attributes which lead to a certain quality of experience through thinking, will, desires and expressions.  I can push into the edges of these attributes and in fact, believe it is my job to do so, to expand and grow, but ultimately it is just an offering not an identification with such actions.  I must learn to offer them, surrender them and just to experience the act itself while observing the ripple effect of that exerted energy.

Karma dictates (as per the Bhagavad Gita – a primary classical Indian Text) that we must act – that it’s our duty, our responsibility to do so yet to be detached from the outcomes.  Just offer the action and experience to the experiencer – the source, the eternal reservoir of every potentiality, manifestation, experiences and collected memory.  I have always wanted to get it ‘right’, to know my path – my dharma and have flailed for years as I just didn’t know what to do with myself. Yet now I just DO! I do what is in front of me, to the best of my ability and with as much joy and presence as I can (so that I can see those beautiful moments of divinity in the mundane – if I ‘sleep’, I miss them) and that now feels enough.

It feels right to play and be played in this way I have always had so many ideas and rather than trying to do them all….chasing sandcastles which never rise given the speed with which they come, I am being discerning and using my discrimination.  I have chosen just one toy and will play with it wholeheartedly, staying focused on it….and it feels good.  As a result of my play, I am receiving a flow from the universe and so we play together.  My latest toy and most treasured is this one – Will you come play with me?

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 Tara Murti Close

Hidden Treasures

Somehow or another I find myself outside of the ashram – the place where my Heart and Soul (Atma) found a home – a place where peace, joy, wisdom & healing resided and allowed me to softly submerge and be enveloped in the deep rich and rare fragrant ocean of my existence.

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 x Naga Lingam x

I find myself at a loss as to how I am here…away from the one place I have been searching for my whole life, yet there is something vague yet necessary for me to experience.  So I am here – waiting and willing yet feeling a little shaken, like all my senses are on high alert or more accurately, like a newborn feeling ‘the explosion of life’ for the first time.  I am uncertain yet trusting and willing to be nudged, shoved or bulldozed into life with all her glorious lessons.

I know that many of you who have followed my journey thus far and provided such amazing support, are interested and keen to know ‘How was it?’, ‘What happened’, ‘What did you learn’, ‘How do you feel’ and most difficult – ‘So what now’!  Yet I just don’t have answers.  I have experienced so much of myself that I know longer seem to know who I am.  I wish I could answer your questions and love that you are all so keen to let me share but for now there is nothing that is forming.  A thought will come and then dissolve as quickly, and all I see is the futility of expressing such a fleeting surge.

What I can say however is that when I was in Delhi for a few days waiting for my exiting flight, I went to Akshardham (a bhav masterpiece) and it revealed many blessings.  Firstly, the irony of something with such complex beauty, intense dedication and grand vision can only be seen by those that go there – no photos are allowed anywhere within the Temple grounds and its only up close that is divinity is exposed.  And so it seems that the work, experiences and grace I have been lucky enough to encounter thus far (albeit briefly) are inner treasures (Nidhi) which just can’t be captured in the ‘normal’ way.  It is a different language, medium and mechanism which I just can’t aptly convey at present.

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This little yellow sunflower has never been happier and will never be able to do enough to return the blessings of Guruji (Swami Satyananda Saraswati) and Swamiji (Swami Niranjanananda Saraswati).

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Fare – Well

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I have found someone to take Luna and it got me thinking that as I let go of my pussy cat am I letting go of my sexuality?  What is the COST (fare) one pays to move toward WELL-ness?

She was the final step to take before moving to the ashram and much like my sexuality – she is wild, feisty, passionate, aloof and unruly yet totally loveable.  By letting her go am I closing the door on that part of my life for good.  I see the costs of the difficult and heart wrenching choices I am having to make but what are the hidden costs of which I am currently unaware, for this life that I am choosing?

Will I ever have sweaty dirty sex, make soft delicate love or delve into relationship with another person over the course of my life or has that all gone now.  Will I ever have another pussy cat, pet or dependant to share  and build my world with – creating family?  Is the price for moving into the ashram and pursuing this path costing me such a big part of my past and what feels like my essential nature? To give and receive love, devotion and relationship in an intimate, personal and immediate way.  Or will I serve a broader human family with no microcosm of connection?

I couldn’t help but see the symbolism and wonder if I am to pay reverence and appreciation for such a full, colourful and passionate history which will be forever changed and balance it by living in austerity.  I wonder if I will ever have the capacity to redirect such potent sexual power into spiritual fervour without it consuming me to distraction or dry me out into a shadow of my juiciness.  And am I ready to never be touched or seen in that way again for the rest of my life?

I think I will take one step at a time – commit to a couple of years (which I know I can manage in abstinence) and let the path reveal itself and trust that it will equip me with the fortitude, comfort and acceptance of whatever lays ahead.

Today I said goodbye to that beautiful soul who has shared my world for the last 14 years and find myself tearful and heart sore at the space her absence has immediately created in my world.  I bid farewell also to that complex sexuality of mine which has such richness but often leads nowhere.  May both these elements reach greater heights, find peace, experience beneficial interactions and feel all the love in the world x

LUNA – I love you

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Lust and other Addictions

I have less than a week before I head off to India for 2 years to partake in Sannyasin Training where hopefully I will dissolve some of the thoughts, behaviours and qualities that negatively make up my character.  I have come to see that there is so much gold within my nature but oh my word – there is still a whole heap of ‘merde’.

One aspect of my nature which I have seen very clearly this last week is my addictive personality and in particular how it works into my sexuality.  In the past, the biggest expression of this ravenous, all consuming, destructive influence was with drugs.  I could never get enough and in any combination, at any time and all my thoughts consumed with when I would next ‘get wasted’.

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While my outer life is much more positive and inner aspects are seeing the light, this dark seed remains.  It often sprouts passions, longings and unrequited yearnings which are never filled as I unconsciously choose what creates this dynamic.  I think I fear getting that thing I think I want as maybe I don’t really want it and resist the compromises and cost required to live a life with another.

While in the UK with mum, I considered my current celibate state (which is coming up to 2 years) and wondered if I should keep it going until after the Ashram, which would be another two years.  A part of me wanted some kindness, physical softness/contact and intimate nourishment that comes with hours spent enjoying a lover and so I opened the door.  ‘If an opportunity presents itself – I will take it’.

And so it did – sort of!  Again I wanted to explore this man wholeheartedly however there were limits imposed due to his relationship perimeters, so I was unable to dive deep and had to stay agonisingly floating on the surface glimpsing all the movements below.  This seemed so ironic, frustrating and ideal.  I recognised that I ‘tease’ within my work because this is how I like to be seduced – slowly, with restraint, controlled and deliciously building up the tension until it passionately explodes and can’t be contained any longer.

What I also saw was that this form of tease prevents me from having equanimity and detachment.  All my free mental space is taken up with thoughts of what I would do to him, of how beautiful he is (that gorgeous monolith!)  and what the future holds (yes, yes I know – such a girl!!!).  I am consumed with only him – I want more, more, more…A junkie for these thoughts and experiences.  My waking and dreaming worlds are filled with him and only him and so the addiction continues.  What a mess!

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I have had insights about people liking me but changing their minds and I was always wondering what would make them consider doing this…..I’m awesome!  HELLO!!!  I think my intensity must be terrifying as ultimately like any junkie, it isn’t the drug or person of choice but rather that I am using them as distractions, crutches and novacane to sedate the bigger lessons required of me. 

I am blessed in not being able to get what I ‘want’ as I what I need is being offered instead.  This was invited into my life from the purist and deepest aspect of my nature many years ago when I asked for and committed to me.  And so it is…..

I am off to India kids – celibate and happy x

HARI OM TAT SAT

When in Rome…


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What an epic, evocative and enticing city Rome is!  It is monumental in terms of its physical scale, historical influence and current political/social and financial challenges.  Being a lover of our built environment and Italy being one of our oldest existing civilisations, I was in awe on every street corner.  The considered design, master workmanship and how the city ties in together from each vista is deeply, enduringly and deftly elegant.

The many lives that have contributed and been contained within this city seem to have left an energetic legacy. I think the often egotistically ruthless politicians, the bloodly violent gladiators, the highly creatively talented and often dysfunctional Master Artists along with the innovative yet hard working merchants who sustained life within this mecca, all still linger and resonate through the lives of its current inhabitants.

Along with its arresting chic modernity, Rome is crumbling into ruins in more ways than one.  I saw the struggles of the people as a whole and one person in particular.  While I wanted to help I was reminded that I was only visiting…only a tourist viewing a moment of crisis within this long his(her)tory.

As a tourist I was keenly aware that I don’t speak the language.  I overlooked the impact of this in going there and thought that most would speak or understand English or at least we could communicate non-verbally and therefore be understood.  What I came to see however is that I was in foreign territory and indeed was speaking another language entirely particularly to those I thought I knew well and understood.  I thought we were the same but we were not.  We had totally different approaches, outlooks and values.

This led me to consider that Europe seems expensive.  Not on its own merit but with the conversion rate, it hits we Aussies hard!  It cost me a lot in more ways than one.  While it gave me a lot in terms of beauty, nourishing encounters with strangers and endless hours of mindless wanderings (I just was…no thought) it also took a lot.  It took my finances, energy and a friendship.  And now as I sit at the airport I am wondering what I value.  What am I prepared to pay for experiences and friendships?

I value kindness, humility, integrity, self-regulation/control, simplicity, consistency, joyfulness, gratitude, hope and ease.  I am prepared to work exceptionally hard to embody these qualities and maintain friendships with those who value similar things.  I don’t want to pay a high price for things I don’t value anymore.  I will leave the ‘store’ without a thing if the cost is just too high.  I am not running – I am choosing where to invest!

I can’t change or stop what is occurring in foreign lands or in others’ lives, as it is for individuals and communities collectively to navigate the best path through these times.  My life awaits in my skin, lessons, challenges, homes, places and choices all of which I too must navigate and live through. 

Life really is a cabaret and it shows exactly what is going on within gross and subtle realms simultaneously and so as with Rome, so too a friend.  I have witnessed and gasped at your beauty, been hurt by a savage history and will always feel that this is an eternal and pivotal place, though I must leave and keep walking my way home.  I pray our paths cross in the future and that I can see you once again as the civilized and productive empire I know is your very nature.

Arrivederci

OM