I have found someone to take Luna and it got me thinking that as I let go of my pussy cat am I letting go of my sexuality? What is the COST (fare) one pays to move toward WELL-ness?
She was the final step to take before moving to the ashram and much like my sexuality – she is wild, feisty, passionate, aloof and unruly yet totally loveable. By letting her go am I closing the door on that part of my life for good. I see the costs of the difficult and heart wrenching choices I am having to make but what are the hidden costs of which I am currently unaware, for this life that I am choosing?
Will I ever have sweaty dirty sex, make soft delicate love or delve into relationship with another person over the course of my life or has that all gone now. Will I ever have another pussy cat, pet or dependant to share and build my world with – creating family? Is the price for moving into the ashram and pursuing this path costing me such a big part of my past and what feels like my essential nature? To give and receive love, devotion and relationship in an intimate, personal and immediate way. Or will I serve a broader human family with no microcosm of connection?
I couldn’t help but see the symbolism and wonder if I am to pay reverence and appreciation for such a full, colourful and passionate history which will be forever changed and balance it by living in austerity. I wonder if I will ever have the capacity to redirect such potent sexual power into spiritual fervour without it consuming me to distraction or dry me out into a shadow of my juiciness. And am I ready to never be touched or seen in that way again for the rest of my life?
I think I will take one step at a time – commit to a couple of years (which I know I can manage in abstinence) and let the path reveal itself and trust that it will equip me with the fortitude, comfort and acceptance of whatever lays ahead.
Today I said goodbye to that beautiful soul who has shared my world for the last 14 years and find myself tearful and heart sore at the space her absence has immediately created in my world. I bid farewell also to that complex sexuality of mine which has such richness but often leads nowhere. May both these elements reach greater heights, find peace, experience beneficial interactions and feel all the love in the world x
LUNA – I love you