I am about to board a plane tomorrow which will carry me toward my final farewell. I am going to Europe for a Month before I move into the Ashram in India for a few years. I have been slowly untying my life with all its binds and now stand in a place of readiness….anticipation mixed with fear, promise and power!
Over the last few months I have been so lucky to have received the many blessings of radiant souls. Such support, encouragement and advice has been provided to help guide me through this upcoming transformative experience and yet I don’t know exactly what I will encounter. As I stand at the very precipice of change it dawned on me that until now I have never been fully in a place of presence. I have always been reflecting or projecting to various degrees…
When I was young I felt fat and hated my body yet I look back at pictures now and wished I still had that body or at least appreciate it;
I always wanted to grow up faster and be more mature and yet as I am aging I have moments where I miss the limitless possibilities of youth;
I wanted more money when I was poor but found that the cost of money when I could have it was too high;
And so I sense that my power has always been dissipated. Yet now I find myself in my PRIME (as one of my favourite Swamis calls it)… I am here …. Capable, passionate but steadily committed and playful and as a result love my current state. For the first time I don’t wish to be elsewhere, anything or anyone else. I feel that now is the time…but for what? How do I harness and wield this power which abides in the present moment?
I know that I may at some point move either ahead of myself into projection or fall behind of myself into reminiscing and miss my prime as I slide into deepening age and I don’t want to feel that I wasted or missed using this prime vitality to its fullest. We each aim to leave our mark but what mark is mine to leave?
Funnily enough I have had two clients over these last two years who have left powerful marks on me;
Firstly there was ‘John’ whom I have previously mentioned. I travelled to Hong Kong with him after he successfully suggested that we engage in a relationship however I never knew his real name, I was hidden from his real life given that he was a public clergy evangelist and he was encouraging me to be a ‘good girl’ who should learn to not be so passionate, opinionated or ethical so that I could become his public partner whom he ‘rescued’. Along with a very personal mark he bought me a stamp with my name on it which showed the etymology of my name (Adoration, Jasmine, Song) which now seems quite prophetic.
And more recently was ‘Chris’ who knew more of me than any client and even some friends. He knew all my different aspects experientially – I taught him yoga, we would go out to dinner/hang out and I would also provide him with erotic massages. As a result our relationship was intimate, intense and on occasion he would tell me he loved me, that I was an exceptional human being. He was the CEO of a global resources company and as a result was powerful, wealthy and used to getting EVERYTHING and ANYTHING he wanted….but not me. On one particular occasion he crossed some boundaries and did the wrong thing by me and when I brought this to him, he acknowledged that while he liked my strength he was not used to it and would try to assert his dominance and power over me.
What both of these experiences and my own personal relationship to personal power has shown me is that power is a double edged sword which must be wielded with precision, presence and purity.
As I dissolve the life I have known and retrieve all the energy that has been dispersed through various activities and mind frames, I feel that my current state of prime presence will now be boosted with potent power hopefully leading to that deepest state of transformation that I seek.
Yet this fear remains that I miss the boat of potential, or that I may mess up the opportunity of my Prime and that I look back at this time with sadness for not using it wisely or effectively. And so the questions remain;
∞ What is the experience of my soul?
∞ What are its treasures?
∞ How can I offer these effectively?
∞ How can I be of service and contribute to this life?
And then I found this…
“Putting love first means knowing that the universe supports you in creating the good, the holy, and the beautiful. It means knowing that you’re on earth for a purpose, and that purpose itself will create opportunities for its accomplishment.”
… so I am getting on that Plane to say a final farewell and look forward to my feet touching the training ground of India.
Jai Tara Ma